Inner Hollows
by Leeleh
Summary: Ichigo is having trouble controlling the darkness inside of him. Will Rukia pay the price?


Hey guys! Thought I'd try my hand a at an IchiRuki one shot. I feel like their relationship is so complicated I'd have no time to weave an actual multi-chapter story. But, despite Bleach's ending, I always felt like there was a connection between these two that surpassed friendship. Still debating if I want to leave this as a stand- alone or do ONE more chapter with more of Rukia's POV.

 **DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Bleach, Kubo does.

He jolted upright in his bed in a cold sweat, fisting the sheets for any sign that he wasn't alone.

But he was alone.

She wasn't in bed.

It had happened again.

Rukia.

He felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and fought back the urge to wretch all over his desk.

 _Rukia…_

He searched out for her reiastu, not daring to call out for her in case Yuzu, Karin, or worse, his dad heard him. He fumbled with the sheets and swung open his closet door with one leg still tangled up. This wasn't good. He could feel his worry well up into anger, like dark liquid clouding over his sight….

Then he heard it: a whimper, softer than the sound of the snowfall. Anger shifted back to worry, with a bit of relief that she was nearby. He wouldn't have heard if it didn't belong to Rukia. He'd been connected to her since the day they first met, since the day she ran him through….

Ichigo flashstepped out of the window forgetting to put on extra clothes for the cold. Still barefoot, with nothing on but pyjama pants, he walked to where he knew she would be. _Isn't it odd,_ he thought, _that she would come here if she was so afraid of…_

Of him.

Or rather, what he was capable of.

He wasn't just Ichigo anymore. In fact, since he'd met her he'd always been changing, transforming into something more than just normal Ichigo. Would he take any of it back? No, never. He couldn't dream of a future where he wasn't Ichigo Kurosaki, Substitute Shinigami. But he was something else too.

A visored, unable to fully take control of the hollow within. Unable to protect the ones he cared about. His inner hollow came and went as he pleased until ichigo started to suppress him. He could supress him easily now, unless…

Unless he was with Rukia.

The chill started to turn Ichigo's fingers pink. He could only imagine what Rukia was like if she'd immediately left. She probably did, just like the first time, just like all the other times that it had happened. _God why does she stay?!_ Ichigo looked up to the stars. Snowflakes fell and melted onto his hot skin, mingling in with the teardrops he would never admit were already there.

He didn't know why she stayed.

* * *

"Ichigo."

"Hm?"

"I'm going to bed now."

"Huh?" Ichigo turned to face his desk and lifted his head off of the pillow slightly, taking in Rukia's small frame sitting up beside him in bed.

"You idiot. I said I'm going to the closet! Before anyone comes in and notices I'm here," even while she whispered her tone of voice sounded threatening.

Ichigo let out an exaggerated yawn, stretching his right arm up over his head, to suddenly collapse on Rukia.

"Just stay here, Rukia. Stop being so paranoid."

"You little brat!" she retorted, trying to get out from under ichigo's limp arm.

"Nothing you say is going to work, Rukia. Just stay in bed with me. Please."

He was looking at her now. Head on. Just in time to see the flush of her cheeks when she blushed.

"Ichigo… now is not the time for this."

He knew she was right. He actually had not intended for anything to happen tonight. They had a long day scheduled for tomorrow: school, then Urahara's, kicking hollows' asses. The usual stuff.

But the moment he'd flopped his arm down on her he knew he'd been trapped. He'd grazed his arm lightly against her stomach and he'd fallen to the urges that all 16-year-old boys have.

But he wasn't going to act on them. Not now. She didn't even want to sleep beside him tonight. Since he'd already won that battle he didn't want to press her for anything more.

But then she looked at him, with a flushed pink face and her vibrant eyes and said:

" _Ichigo. Now…is not the time for this."_

He knew she'd intended to say is as a warning but he could feel that she wanted to as much as he did.

Every time she lay still enough for him to cup his hand to her cheek, or when she would twine her fingers with his and squeeze; Every time their noses touched right before they kissed, or when she'd call him an idiot when he ripped yet another pair of pyjama pants trying to get out of them, every one of those moments felt electric. Every one of those dozens of moments felt like the first time.

But nothing took his breath away more than their hands together, fingers entangled above both of their heads, with his face buried deep in the crook of her neck, feeling the soft pale skin of her chest beneath his own and hearing her say that she loved him.

And the wave of emotions he felt in his heart in those moments triggered the waves of pleasure that coursed through his body as he released. His breath hitched and he tightened his grip on her hands. He could feel Rukia's body soften underneath him, realizing that he was finished. He lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her; tried to memorize every bead of sweat on her forehead as he wiped away the hair stuck to it. He gave her a soft kiss on the lips before flipping her around so that he was being straddled.

"Your turn."

* * *

"I know it's not you, Ichigo. But it's you that will get hurt."

"But Rukia-"

"Ichigo, I've seen you do it! I've seen you control that … _darkness._ You're doing so much better everyday, getting so much stronger."

"That's just it, Rukia! It knows my strength and aims for my weaknesses. Don't you see that!? Don't you think my inner hollow _knows_ what you are to me? For fuck's sake you ran me through and gave me your spiritual pressure! We couldn't be more connected if we tried."

"No." the resoluteness of her voice made Ichigo look away from her, locking his jaw before he could argue. He already knew he would lose.

"If you won't run me through again, I think it would be better at least if you were to sleep somewhere else tonight. Maybe Kisuke's or Orihime's place. I can't risk that happening again."

He could feel her eyes on him, confused, worried even. His body temperature dropped and he couldn't tell whether is was her spiritual pressure within him that still reacted to its owner, or whether he truly regretted what he'd said. He was pushing Rukia away.

Rukia took one of her delicate hands and placed it on his wrist. "Ichigo, we'll fix this. There's no need-"

"Go!" wrenching her wrist off of him and almost throwing her into the wall, Ichigo could feel the coldness turn into darkness, turning into anger….

"Please, Rukia. You'd be safer at Orihime's."

"Fine."

She'd meant it then, after the second time he'd hurt her.

But even she could tell that it was getting worse. The fifth time it had happened Ichigo hadn't even fully transformed before pinning her against the wall and having his way with her.

She was losing her resolve. But what drove him insane was the fact that she was losing her faith in him.

 _"Ichigo."_

 _"Yeah, Rukia?"_

 _"Orihime and I have been talking about me staying over at her house for awhile."_

 _"Don't be ridiculous, Rukia! She only has one bedroom."_

 _"And I'm sleeping in your closet."_

 _"Hmm. Well, how long is 'awhile' anyway?"_

 _Rukia lowers her head and hesitates to speak._

 _"Well, are you going to tell me?"_

 _"….Permanently, Ichigo. Or at least until you get-"_

CRASH. _Ichigo flips his desk over, sending a reverberation throughout the whole house._

 _"You want to stay at Orihime's? Then fine. Stay there. Take your stuff and leave."_

 _"Ichigo, I'm sorry-"_

 _"I said, get out!"_

She managed to hop out the window before he – the hollow part of him – did any damage. But the cloud of black that filled his eyes like spilled ink as she fled sent chills down her spine.

Their separation was short-lived. Rukia could not tell if it was because she'd felt sorry for Orihime having to watch the man they both loved coming to the door with flowers only for Rukia, or because she honestly missed his presence. Although she wished it was the former she couldn't deny reaching out beyond the normal limits of her spiritual pressure to feel if Ichigo was okay.

She came back while he was sleeping.

"You didn't last very long," Or so she thought.

"I figured you'd done enough grovelling at Orihime's door." She nestled underneath him and felt the familiar warmth and strength of his chest at her back.

"Three weeks? I could have lasted another 8 weeks for sure."

She chuckled. "So I'm only worth 11 weeks' worth of flowers?"

"That's all I have in my savings, Rukia. If you're asking me how long I'd wait for you then…."

"Shh, _anata._ I know." She clasped his hand and placed a chaste kiss on it, as if it would shut him up.

"Rukia?"

"Mhm?"

He positioned himself so that he was hovering on top of her with both arms at her sides. "I missed you."

She propped herself up on her elbows so that their noses were touching, then she reached out with one hand to trace his lips with her delicate fingers.

"I missed you too, Ichigo."

* * *

Yet he was still outside in the middle of the night, in the first snowfall of the season looking, looking for any sign of pink Chappy pants on the dull cement wall where she first gave him his powers. His heart started to race as he turned the corner. She should be right there….

Nothing. As a light wind swept the snow up to dance, Ichigo realized that she'd purposely projected her spiritual pressure on that spot. But why?

"I knew it. I guess happiness doesn't come without strings attached, huh?"

Ichigo let out a breath he didn't know he was holding until he turned to see Rukia, clad in his sweater and a pair of his boxers.

"Rukia, you'll get cold."

"Your inner hollow told me everything, Ichigo." As he approached her he could see tears in her eyes. "You don't care about me."

He was confused. "Rukia? What are you talking about? I love you –"

"Not all of me. You love me but you hate my power even more. He told me everything! How you've already mastered controlling him. How you turn a blind eye and _let_ him do unspeakable things to me, Ichigo. You let him rape me. So that I'm damaged goods, so that my power is destroyed and I cant go back home. So they have no other choice than to make me a human like you."

"Rukia…"

"Tell me I'm lying."

"It's a lot more complicated than…"

"Tell me!"

Ichigo stood still. He could feel a flood of reaistu well up inside him. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what he was frustrated about. Was it her audacity? Or was it that he'd been found out? The deepest, darkest desire of his heart had come to light and made him angry. But as least it was his own anger. At least he could tell her how he truly felt.

"Byakuya," he started. The word tasted heavy and salty in his mouth. He had to start over.

"Your brother would never let us be together otherwise, Rukia."

She stared. He could sense her spiritual pressure dissipating and the colour drained from her face.

"You," she croaked. "You did this because of him? Because you think that I'm not able to make my own choices?"

"No, Rukia," he stepped forward to touch her, to sit next to her, to cradle her in this awful cold to keep her warm. Or was it her heat he wanted for himself? Did he want to suck every last bit of energy from her soul and make her lifeless? Just so they could grow old together?

It was futile. She recoiled like a spring at his movements. So he dropped to his knees on the street instead, the soft layer of snow padded his landing, but it did nothing to soften the blow of her reaction. He felt like a boy. He was one compared to Rukia, who had lived ten of his lifetimes. Wasn't that enough time for her, already? Why wouldn't she give up eternity to spend the rest of his lifespan with him?

Finally he spoke.

"I considered killing myself first."

She looked away from him now, eyes glassed over with tears she did not want to shed. For fear of looking as weak as she felt. Although she did not want to admit, his inner hollow had drained her. Physically and mentally. He made her feel like her love for him was never going to be enough to free him of his demons. So, she stayed, and resented him, and pitied herself. She should never have given her powers to him. From that moment she knew they would be connected for life, in a way she'd promised herself she'd never connect to anyone. She saw the way her brother brooded over the memory of his dead wife.

She contemplated all this with Ichigo kneeling in front of her, silent. The weight of that secret, that truth he'd been holding on to for so long unlocked a side of him that was long forgotten to him. She turned to see him still looking at her: a wretched pleading look in his eyes and tears streaked down his face. She refused to reach out for his spiritual pressure. She knew once it mingled with hers she would need no explanation before running into his arms and quieting his fears with soft kisses.

"It wouldn't have worked," she said finally. "There's no guarantee you'd remember who you were in this life. Who _we_ are in this life."

"That's why I knew I had to keep you here. I can never – No, I _won't_ ever live my life apart from you."

She pursed her lips. She knew her defenses were lowering. His resolve, that is why she loved this man. But she was determined not to leave with him until he told her everything.

"You're a stubborn woman, Rukia. And your brother is cold and unfeeling. He'd rather marry you off to a noble that will treat you badly then let us be together. I could protect you…"

"From everyone but yourself," she snorted. She found his reasoning not absurd, but scary. He'd thought it through very well. Had his inner hollow not been the narcissistic perversion that it was, she might have never known why he kept coming back to hurt her.

"I knew that Byakuya would see that you weren't the same. That you were broken. And he'd give you a choice. And so as not to bring shame to your family you would choose…..me."

There was a long pause. Rukia's palm roughly wiped away the tears that escaped from the rims of her eyes. He was so right. She would choose him under these circumstances. She was too level-headed to think emotionally. She berated herself because she couldn't imagine another way in which she would make that same choice.

"You know me too well, Kurosaki."

"I don't know nearly enough of you. And I couldn't let Byakuya or your pride deny me that."

"Are you there when he hurts me?" she'd regained some of her composure. She abandoned her defensive stance and opened herself up to him. But he dared not move, he feared his emotions would overwhelm her if he got any closer.

"I stop him from killing you, if that's what you mean." His gaze wavered, bound by truth but ashamed to tell it.

"I see my hands grab your waist, but I can't feel your warmth. I feel my teeth bite your lip but I can't taste your mouth. I feel my…."

"That's enough," Rukia was not used to Ichigo talking this way. She sensed this side of him, buried beneath the memories of his mother, but it still made her uncomfortable.

"Was it ever going to stop? Were you ever going to tell me?"

"You told me the last three times you went back home that you would talk to your brother about us. And every time you came back you were silent. I know what that means, Rukia. And if I knew it wouldn't hurt you even more I'd go up to that bastard and tell him myself!"

"Watch it, Ichigo!" He smiled at her familiar scoldings, something that brought a bit of normalcy back into their relationship. It took weeks after she'd been raped by his inner hollow to get back to a point where she trusted him. He imagined that it would take a lot more than that this time.

"So you're saying this is my fault? For not telling him sooner?"

"I would never blame you for this. My selfish actions are my own."

"What would you do if you were in my shoes, Ichigo?"

"Anything. If I get you in the end."

She released all her negative energy and finally felt the cold. She believed him. Every word was a stinging truth that he would never have revealed if he didn't love her. Everything pointed to her leaving, and he knew that. She nodded her head in contemplation.

"It's cold," She said.

"I know."

She flash-stepped out of sight. Ichigo stayed awhile, marvelling at the beauty of the snow, and how its dancing would always remind him of Rukia. He didn't have to search for her spiritual pressure to know that she wouldn't be home when he returned. She would make a decision. And to do that, she needed to be at home with Byakuya. The name was still bitter on his tongue.

Although he could feel the beginnings of frostbite on his fingers and toes, Ichigo walked home, in no rush to sleep alone


End file.
